• arriving everywhere disheveled because you have to wear fourteen layers to survive the Arctic cold and scarves, hats, and coats are basically a breeding ground for static electricity.
• arriving everywhere with the top-most of your fourteen layers caked in snow because you either fell down or had to clean your car off for the fortieth time
• cleaning your car off three times a day, every day, because who doesn’t love the soothing repetitious motions, amirite?

• not needing an actual work out anymore because shoveling your driveway should be an Olympic sport – I mean curling is just brushing ice, right? So why not Snow Shoveling, 2018 Winter Olympics?
• trekking through snow drifts to even get into your work building, because you so wanted to be at work when everything else is closed anyway.
• keeping the water running every single night to prevent the pipes from freezing and the sound of water running will in no way drive you crazy or make your OCD hurt.
• having the lovely skin texture of a Komodo Dragon because the wind and the snow and the ice and the quick changes from overheated car to Arctic Blast to chilly office to overheated car again will in no way make your skin dry, chapped, and painful.
• investing money in Chapstick stock so you can at least make some money off of how many tubes you need to buy to combat the winter sandpaper lips.
• never being warm, really and truly, just ever. Always cold, never warmth.
• not having enough time to dry off your sopping wet gloves and socks in between Snow Shoveling and Car Cleaning Off Adventures.
• really getting into this whole off-roading driving thing, because who needs to see the lane lines or even the actual asphalt to drive places? That’s just silly! Where is your sense of adventure? Just go wherever the slippery, slidey roads of fate take you, my dear, and see where you end up. Probably a ditch, to be honest.
• hearing Yankees make fun of Southern people’s freak-outs at any amount of snow. PEOPLE. We chose to live this close to the Mason-Dixon Line for a REASON – and that reason was NOT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. It is not our fault you chose to live up north where winters are ALWAYS like this – we are upset because we aren’t supposed to have crazy cold, crazy snowy winters, we are living down here to AVOID this, so naturally, we are a little pissed. And a pissed off, inexperienced, road-raged, cabin-fevered Southern person is not someone to underestimate.

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