In the months leading up to our wedding, I basically had our entire wedding in a huge stack of boxes by the front door.
Boxes of mason jars and candles. A tub of white tablecloths, and a box of burlap covers to go over. A box of bouquets and boutonnieres, table runners. Dishes, silverware, napkins. Bundles of lace for accents, a chalkboard for directions leaning up against it all. Prepared. Ordered. Ready.
It drove me crazy.
I was super organized, with two versions of a To-Do list – one with overall tasks to be done, the second organized by months leading up to the big day, with specific, accomplishable goals outlined for each month. That second one was purely to help me manage my anxiety – I knew I couldn’t accomplish every single task, craft, and preparation all in one day, or one week, or even one month. I knew there were time limits on things like the marriage license (only valid for thirty days) or things that simply couldn’t be performed until the day of the wedding – decorating the ceremony site and the reception hall.
I wasn’t good with the waiting. Those boxes, standing there, ready, kept reminding me how much work there was to be done, and I couldn’t do it yet. They kept reminding me that I had this big, huge, life-changing day of joy and celebration coming up – but it wasn’t here yet. I couldn’t celebrate yet, I couldn’t enjoy the flood of emotions and relief and love. I had to wait.
I am an anxious person, we know this, we’ve talked about it here on more than one occasion. I wish fervently I weren’t, but it’s the reality of who I am. Trying to deny that, or ignore it, only causes me more harm and grief.
I’m an anxious person, and part of the reason waiting is so difficult for me is because my mind usually doesn’t know how to interpret excitement properly. I mentioned this in Emi’s birth story – what I’m actually feeling is anticipation – that fluttery, almost joyous feeling of expectation that comes before a big event. It’s not (supposed to be) fear, or apprehension, it’s just excitement! And yet – too often, my brain recognizes it as the emotion that’s quite common to it – anxiety.