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“You can make anything by writing.” ― C.S. Lewis

Posts for Summer Crew Category

A Five Month Letter to My Daughter

[Previously in this series…]

Dear Ariadne,

Well, my daughter, this month has been a rough one.

Not because of you — of course, my darling. You have continued to be the most charming baby I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with, and I’m not just saying that because you’re mine and I made you from scratch. You grow even more happy-natured and joyful by the day. Just when I think you can’t get any more smiley or sweet, you do.

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No, this month has been a hard one for me, as your mama. This was a month where I barely felt like I got the opportunity to enjoy the privilege of being your mother. This was a month where I felt I spent the majority of the time running and running, and a few times a day, I stopped and shoved a boob in your mouth before bouncing you to sleep, and little else.

There was the emotional struggle of you being underweight, which I talked about here, and the decision to occasionally supplement a formula bottle here and there. (And I’m pleased to report that your follow-up appointment went great, the doctor was very happy with your progress, and told us to keep doing exactly what we were doing — nursing at every opportunity, pumping at work, and feeding you a formula bottle twice a day when I’m working to ease the strain on everybody.) That was a lot of emotional and physical stress on me, and then, you know, it’s been December, and Christmas, and all of that hoopla.

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I wanted very much to make your first Christmas a beautiful and special occasion, and I do think your papa and I succeeded in doing so — but it’s been an exhausting month. I felt overwhelmed by my work — particularly busy for this time of year — any time I’ve gotten close to getting caught up, I’d have to leave my desk and run to pump. I get up early, early in the morning to rush to get myself ready and rush to nurse you as long as possible, and rush to get out the door remotely close to on time. The week I had to be at work by 7 AM every day really almost killed me. I came home on lunch, long enough to nurse you and stuff food in my mouth before I was back out the door again. I came home after work to enjoy the last few precious hours of your awake time before putting you to bed for a couple hours, waking you to nurse again, and then tumbling into bed myself. And then there have been all the Christmas celebrations, with friends and family and work and church. Don’t get me wrong — I’m happy to have those demands on my time. I’m happy that we as a family share a rich and full life with so many people who loves us and enjoy spending time with us. Not every family has the opportunity to star as Mary and Joseph and Baby Jesus in the annual live nativity. As your papa said, you got to time that just right to get that invitation. And I’m always so happy to gather our friends together at this time of year, your Aunt Ali home for a visit, and meeting your Uncle Ryan for the first time, being passed from lap to lap at a Christmas get together just like the little scraps of paper we played the movie game on.

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But all of that wore on me. I wanted in my heart to be joyful and light, but instead I felt dim and heavy. Listless and unenergetic. Snippy and short-tempered. Traits that don’t normally characterize me, not by a long shot.

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SuhWeeks Wedding Extravaganza!

In honor of our second wedding anniversary, I’m reposting some of the journaling I did in the days directly following out wedding. Below are my immediate impressions and memories from our incredible wedding day — despite any stress or worry I felt in the days leading up to the actual ceremony (including our dear, sweet eldery pug passing the night before our rehearsal dinner) — the day of our wedding was a beautiful, perfect day and I love rereading this, looking at the pictures, and remembering how deeply loved I felt that day, by my sweet husband, and by all of our friends and family. Enjoy!

These are my people, the night before our wedding. We are insane, and we are insanely in love with each other.

These are my people, the night before our wedding. We are insane, and we are insanely in love with each other.

SATURDAY, October 19, 2013
It’s Your Wedding Day, Girl

I BARELY SLEPT. I was convinced I’d sleep like a rock because I was so tired and so emotional the night before, but NOPE NOPE NOPE. I laid there and laid there, drifting off, nearing sleep – but then would jerk awake, thinking, OH SHIT GOTTA DO THE THING and then I’d drift off and then OH SHIT THE OTHER THING. Over and over and over, all night.

I woke up completely, in the morning, to Mom whispering in my ear, Well, it’s kinda cold and rainy but it’s going to clear up.

SO, OFF TO A GOOD START.

Luckily, after at least a little bit of sleep, I was in a WAY better mood than I had been the night before. I think I just felt better about finally being able to do the work I had been anticipating for so long. For months, I had been planning this wedding, making lists, piling up decorations — and I couldn’t actually complete that tasks. It felt like it weighed over me, and we were going to be on a time crunch since we couldn’t decorate until the actual morning of the wedding. So once I was able to actually make progress, that went a long way to making me feel more prepared, less behind schedule.

The girls and I got up and puttered around, slowly waking up, eating some fruit and packing up the car. We went down to the winery and LORD HAVE MERCY, it was cold – no warmer than 50 degrees. All along, as we planned this wedding, as people said, well, wait if it rains? – I held to this sense of certainty that it would not rain. That no matter what, the weather would be fine by the time of the ceremony. I told Mom and the girls that morning, either it will clear up, which it WILL, or it won’t, and when it comes time that we HAVE to decide, we will. Until then – let’s plan on an outside ceremony.

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